Resources

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Anger management is an issue for many of us. We are indeed fortunate if we grew up seeing anger as a healthy emotion: one that alerts us to something distressing us, and one which can be resolved without always resorting to shouting and screaming matches, prolonged bad feelings - and/or ultimately aggressive behaviour.

As women, we are generally socialized to think being angry is "not nice". As men, we are equally socialized to think that angry feelings are likely to be expressed in violent form - even if we've never hit anyone in our lives. Angry feelings are often suppressed - and then come spilling out like a volcano erupting. Days, months, years of keeping anger hidden make it far worse when the eruption finally occurs.

I often ask clients to complete the sentence "If I get angry I am afraid I will ...". Almost always, the sentence ends with "... afraid I will become violent".

How much better it is for our emotional health - and our bodies too - to begin to address our angry feelings when they come up. Learn to recognize when there is an issue needing addressing. Practice the skills listed below. And consider taking anger management courses if you need more help.

Here then are some tips if anger is taking over your relationship:

• Recognize when you're feeling angry and TAKE A TIME OUT.

• Start deep breathing and TRY TO CALM DOWN.

• Use techniques and tips you have learned TO RELAX.

• Really take time to notice WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.

• When calmer, think about your ANGER TRIGGERS - what got you going this time? Was that familiar?

• Talk about these feelings with someone you trust - your partner, a good friend, your therapist if you have one (and if you don't have a therapist, now is a really good time to find one).

• Remember, your feelings are your feelings - but you don't have to act on them. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

• Learn what makes you angry - and why you think that way. Do you, for instance, think people are out to 'get you' or 'betray' you? These old feelings come from somewhere - it would be helpful to know a lot more about them.

• Take some anger management classes.