Resources
TALKING AND THE NON-VERBALS
Earlier, I talked about how important it is to ACTIVELY LISTEN to each other when we need to communicate
something important. In this section, I'll be adding a few hints on THE WAY WE TALK, and how we can improve
on that. It bears noting that we hear less than 20% of what is being said - the rest we deduce from body
language and tone of voice, or the non-verbals.
So you can see there is a lot of room for misinterpretation, and why it is so important to check out
our partner's responses when we are having a serious talk.
Tone of voice
As a rule, we don't pay too much attention to the tone of our voices - and yet, it conveys a message
to our listeners often clearer than the spoken word. Try listening to talk radio for a bit: how much can you
deduce from the speaker's voice? You'll hear nervousness, belligerence, confidence and pride - many clues as to
the speaker's point of view over and above the actual words used.
And it's the same in our relationships: the words we use to talk about issues with our partners can
take on a very different meaning just by the way they are said. A good example is the comment here, couched
in deceptively pleasant tones - you know the sort of thing I mean: "You're home late again and dinner is
ruined. I cooked your favourite meal - but it really doesn't matter." You can hear the sarcasm dripping!
Or, "I could care less which movie we see" is fine if that's what you really mean - but if
it's said with disinterest or resignation, your partner will pick up the underlying message: you do care, but
are perhaps hesitant to say so. That can quickly lead to arguments and misunderstandings. Be honest!
Our tone of voice is connected to our level of self-esteem: if we feel confident in ourselves, we
find it easier to use both effective words and tone of voice. We're being congruent. Communicating
effectively means you say how you really feel in a straightforward manner (but that takes practice, and
overcoming some inner fears about what might happen if we're honest).
So, have you ever noticed your tone of voice when you are tense or anxious? Or when you are in the
middle of conflict with your partner - or perhaps your boss? Is your voice strong or hesitant? Pitched high
or low? Do you yell a lot? Whine? It's worth paying attention to, especially if you are hearing too many
"I don't think that's what you REALLY mean" comments from your partner.
Body language - or the "non-verbals"
What we say and how we say it is also influenced by our body language. We all know how important it
is to have direct eye contact when discussing important issues - but are you aware of what the rest of your
body is doing?
Are you facing your partner? Are you tapping your fingers on the armrests of your chair? Do you have one or both knees jumping up and down? Are your fists clenched (and your face bright red and glaring)? And an old one - are your arms folded in front of you? This can be seen as a way of blocking information from reaching you (and it can just be a comfortable way of sitting, too!) Are you obviously thinking about your own reply rather than listening?
There are other, more subtle body clues too, which reflect your inner state - but the more obvious ones are a good
place to begin.
So to recap, here are some important points to remember:
Check things out if body language or tone of voice differ from what you are hearing verbally Acknowledge what your partner is saying by reflecting back a few key words Shouting and yelling only produce fear and confusion in your partner. Take time out to collect your thoughts, and decide what you really want your partner to hear Talking in a small, hesitant or whiny voice can also be a turn-off to listening Use direct eye contact and face your partner when you are talking about important issues Pay attention to what your body is doing - i.e. are you fidgeting about? If so, why? What does this mean – both to you, and your partner?
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