Resources

ACTIVE LISTENING

What exactly does "communication skills" mean? Is that more than just talking to each other? We've tried that, and we're halfway to the divorce court ...

Yes! Good communication is a lot more than just talking, and most of us don't do it very well. It describes how we relate to each other in several ways:

• The way we listen - and the attention we give to it

• The way we talk - and our tone of voice

• The language we use - passive, aggressive, assertive

• Our body language - says more than the spoken word

Here is an example of how to actively listen. This necessitates:

• Finding a time which suits you both (very important - no good if one of you is tired, or preoccupied with something else)

• Looking at each other directly (not reading the newspaper or doing the dishes at the same time)

• Really listening to the other - not letting your own thoughts race ahead or be busy formulating a defense

• Checking out with your partner what you just heard - to make sure you got it right *

• Being aware of your partner's feelings - as well as your own

*  This is an exercise I usually begin with, and it is often as illuminating for the couple as it is for me.

I ask the couple to sit facing each other, and to have direct eye contact. I then ask one individual to state a problem or concern to the other. Then I will ask the recipient to restate what s/he has heard, and then to check whether this is in fact correct.

I would estimate that 90% of the time, what the recipient has heard isn't close or even on the same page - so no wonder we become frustrated with each other.

This, as I say, isn't unique - so what happens? Why do we get it wrong so often? Because we are so busy getting ready to rush to our own defense, that we aren't truly listening, ACTIVELY listening, to what is being said. It takes some practice - to drown out our own inner voices and to really HEAR what is being said.

When we do so, we can respond from a much more authentic place. And we can begin to guess at the feelings involved - both for the other and for ourselves. And importantly, at last we feel heard.