What might be going on

If you are recognizing problem aspects of your relationship, perhaps the following makes some sense to you.

Somewhere along the way, we have learned how NOT to talk to each other in a way that leaves us both heard. Disagreements escalate - what start out as fairly minor arguments over mundane matters, suddenly become relationship-threatening. We become afraid to say what we're really feeling and thinking - or to ask for what we want and need.

So we talk in riddles, or get mad at each other over small things, all the while wishing s/he would "get it". Hoping our partners will see through the cover story, and provide us with all our wants and needs without us having to spell them out. And at the same time, desperately wanting them to love us just the way we are.

In short, we tend to talk AT rather than WITH.

Communicating effectively

So what do we need to do?

How can I help you?

Your next step

"One of the best parts of learning to talk to each other honestly was that we got some laughter back into our lives. It had all become so serious and tense - even deciding which movie to see had often led to a huge fight."