Talk about timing

How often have you been bursting to discuss something with your partner, and the first chance you get to have a "serious talk" is when you're both in bed - only to get put off with an unenthusiastic grunt ("can't it wait until morning?"), or worse yet - a gentle snore. You then toss and turn half the night, and feel resentful - how come s/he can go to sleep when you have something important to talk about?

Conversely, the partner who wants to sleep - not talk, may wake up next morning and be ready to have that conversation - and this time, it is YOU who doesn't feel like getting into a discussion. You've got a morning meeting on your mind, perhaps children to get to school. Your partner may then think, well, it couldn't have been too important. And before you know it, you are both caught up in a pattern of poor COMMUNICATION, fuelled by resentment and misunderstanding.

The above is a familiar scenario for many of us - and when you come to think of it, perhaps it's unreasonable to think our partners will drop everything to sit and talk just when we want them to (or stay awake). There is always the thorny issue of avoidance of course - but I think you will soon know if this is the case!

You will stand a much better chance of an honest and fruitful discussion if you can choose a mutually agreeable time. (And don't discount the possibility of making this time outside the home sometimes, over a coffee or out for a walk - being away from familiar surroundings can help you to focus on the problem, and limit angry responses).

What will help "timing" issues?

Acknowledge that you have different needs around the timing of serious talks - establish the best time when you can both be "present" and prepared to listen.

Let your partner know you have something important you really want to discuss.

Ask when would be a good time, make the "appointment" - and STICK TO IT within reason.

Be sensitive to each other's needs. There are going to be times when you have to talk right away, and maybe bedtime, for example, is the only time possible. Begin by acknowledging you know that is isn't the preferred time, and that you wish it could wait until tomorrow, but ...

In a relationship, timing can be everything when it comes to resolving conflicts or problems.