Listening in times of stress

To have a baby ... or not

Married for 5 years, Mary (37) and Alan (33) were arguing non-stop, and on the point of giving up and filing for divorce. Coming to seek help was a last-ditch attempt to save the marriage. When I asked what they were arguing about the most, Mary said "having children" and Alan said "money".

Were the two problems connected in any way? Yes.

They were already on a tight budget because Alan had been on EI for 8 months following a work-related injury, and he could not see how they could possibly afford to start a family at this time. He was also quite depressed - and their sex life had been non-existent for many weeks now.

Mary was less worried about money than about having children before it was "too late". Her philosophy was they would manage somehow - there were two sets of grandparents-to-be, who would want to help out she was sure, and in any case, a baby wouldn't be adding much to their outgoing costs. And a baby would cheer Alan up no end - or so she thought!

So how can I assist a couple in this situation? What might help them? Let's first define the problem ...

You're not LISTENING to me

A lack of good communication appears to be a significant part of Mary and Alan's problem. Although there may be some deeper issues underlying their relationship, fundamentally they are not "hearing" one another. They have been focusing instead on getting their own side of the problem heard, which has only led to frustration and anger.

In addition, they haven't been addressing the feelings that were coming up for them both: Mary's anxiety that it might soon be too late for her to have a baby; Alan's worry that he won't be able to return to work any time soon, and their financial situation will worsen.

And, although they were brushing it off, the fact that they hadn't sex for a long time, was a true indicator of the state of their relationship.

Both of them are feeling frustrated and anxious. At this point, without adequate coping skills, many couples begin blaming and accusing each other, which is just what Alan and Mary had been doing. He never listened, and it drove her to distraction. She was always yelling at him and he couldn't stand angry people. There was no way they were having children. In short, all they were communicating was anger.

This is what I'm REALLY saying

What do they need to do? Start listening, really listening. Stop blaming and begin talking - honestly. And what had been stopping them from doing just that?

On closer questioning, Alan revealed although he had never hit anyone in his life, he was afraid if he became really angry he would become violent (like his father). He had been feeling so frustrated - not only with Mary but also with himself - that he felt he would lose control one day. He equated angry feelings with angry behaviour. That was his experience early in life.

And Mary, also frustrated, would yell until she was hoarse, but it never made any difference: the louder she yelled (which is what her mother did), the more Alan withdrew emotionally - or left the room. One day, she worried, he might leave altogether - which is what her own father had done when she was 14.

These were old patterns of relating which were no longer serving either of them well. They really don't know HOW to talk without making each other feel defensive and angry. And it doesn't sound as though they had very good role models to follow.

NOW I'm listening

Initially, I coached Alan and Mary on how to actively listen to each other without bringing judgement or blame into it. (See TIPS below). They began to have a better understanding of each other - and, importantly, themselves.

I also helped them to find ways to be more in touch with their feelings - an essential part of honest communication. Mary was able to tell Alan how anxious she was about the lack of sex in their lives (was it something about her she wondered?) - and her hopes to have a baby before too long. She also brought up how concerned she was because he was unable to work, but hadn't wanted to mention it too often in case it made Alan feel even worse.

In turn, Alan told Mary how worried he felt about being off work for so long, and the effect it was having on their financial plans. He had also been secretly blaming Mary for their non-existent sex life, although deep down, he knew it was more to do with him and his feelings of inadequacy.

You can see I helped them learn how to really listen to each other ... this was a good start.

Relief in sight

As Mary and Alan became better at "active listening" and identifying feelings, they began to have more empathy. They felt safer, and more "heard", and the tension noticeably decreased.

In turn, this improvement in communicating led to an awareness of deeper emotional needs sometimes triggered by the issue at hand. Our counselling sessions became richer as the couple focused more on these "triggers", and old value and belief systems that weren't serving them too well. They began to regain a real level of intimacy that had been missing for so long.

But more on that topic in a future edition of Lend Me Your Ear!

TIPS

If the above scenario seems familiar to you, then I suggest you try the following:

• Negotiate a time to talk. Make sure it suits you both, and that there won't be any avoidable interruptions

• Give each other your undivided attention

• Take turns to clearly state what is bothering you

• Check out with your partner if s/he has really heard what you were saying

• Clarify - and keep doing so -until s/he understands

• These 5 steps will set the stage for more in-depth discussions